Should one be concerned if one’s country idolized chaos and destruction in its national anthem? I mean, the mildly logical fallaciousness of flag still being there as proof of the rockets and the bombs effectiveness and necessity I never really thought about before. It’s good to know I live in a culture that dictates destruction as the only form of proven form of effective defense. And we remind ourselves of that fact before ever sporting event, ever. It’s just people are too excited to get to the “Play Ball” part that they don’t even realize they’re getting indoctrinated into our culture of acceptable violence — not that there’s anything wrong with it. But they don’t even understand. Clever propaganda move, John Adams, clever indeed.

Regardless, the 4th of July in Philadelphia was great. A concert by John Legend with a guest appearance form Estelle was appreciated. But it was a wet and rainy night. Wait, maybe not rainy. Maybe drizzly is a better word for the situation, weatherly speaking. Which was annoying. No one brought an umbrella even though some of us knew there was expected light rain. While the rain was light, even standing under the trees to avoid the wetness wasn’t all that successful, so we left the show a little early and waddled our way back to the nearest SEPTA station, uncomfortably moist, probably molding, and definitely satisfied.

And, my camera has a really sweet Black and White function that I’ve been using obnoxiously. It also has a Sepia option, but that’s not nearly as universally applicable or artsy as the B&W selection. And I’m still having trouble figuring out what it does when it changes the color setting from “Natural” to “Vivid.” Exaggeration, that’s what. And it’s a gosh darn lie. Even my camera lies to me these days. It’s a gosh darn shame.

And about why I’m here:

Teaching hasn’t started. I’m still learning how to lesson plan. I still don’t know how to lesson plan, so I think to myself “The students won’t mind if I just lecture them the whole time without getting to read the passages I’m talking about right? Do you think they need to have homework? Because I really don’t want to grade it. Is it bad that I’m having trouble defining characterization, when I have to teach an hour + class about it? Hmmm…” Moral: I’m clueless. And not in the Alicia Silverstone way. More like the homeless man on the corner who’s talking to the trashcan he’s eating out of. Left field, (wo)man. Way out in friggin’ left field. That’s where I’m at, and until some sort of coherent system settles onto my brian, I’m imagining that my students are going to think I’m the biggest idiot, and then they’re gonna start not coming to class, and they’re not gonna graduate high school, and it’ll all be my fault. Seriously. The pressure TFA puts on me is so “life or death” (definitely partially true) that it makes me want to just fail from the beginning.

And the fact that there is this clearly defined level of “committed teachers” and “here for the fun, and I’m not sure how to do this whole teaching thing…” Guess which group I’m in. No wait. Don’t. Bad Idea.

So when I’m violently shaking during my first day, do you think my students will notice? Or maybe I’ll just pass out from not breathing, so then I won’t have to worry about it. It’s all in the planning, baby, and planning is what I suck at.

Go with the flow guys do not survive well in a TFA world.