The next six entries (this one included) will probably be the most boring entries you will ever be forced to read. But I must get rid of my anxiousness somehow…so I’m putting it here for everyone to experience.

But in celebration for T-minus six days until Philadelphia for real happening, I decided to get a root canal. There were a lot of reasons: the primary being it’s been on my to do list for a while and I just now got around to it. And, hey I got my parents to pay for it besides! That was the best part of it. There was also the fact that after braces, cavities, semi-permanent crowns, and the debauched wisdom teeth removal where my gums didn’t stop bleeding for two weeks, I didn’t have much dental work left to experience, so I thought, “What the heck! I’m going to get a root canal just to see what all the fuss is about!”

So I did. And it was just as annoying as every other extended dental exam where I the Endodontist kept telling me I had to open my mouth bigger when it was open as far as it would go (I will forever lament my small jaw!) when in reality it had already frozen in place as far as it would go an hour ago and I couldn’t move it more open or more closed even if I wanted to. I also could not stop drooling down the right side of my mouth, but the dude operating on my face didn’t seem to notice or mind. He also thought it would be fun to keep shoving stuff on my just healing cold sore to see me flinch.

He was a big fan of flinching. When he finally hit the nerve I could feel it just a little (the only thing I could feel on the left side of my body) so I flinched. And then he thought it would be fun to keep poking at it and saying “Did you feel that? (Wince.) What about that? (Bigger wince.) How about now? (Tears.) That too? (Tears out of both eyes.) And that? (Tears and muted moaning.) Really? You can feel that? (The desire to scream out in agony that ‘Yes, I can feel that! How about a punch in the mouth? Can you feel that? How about I just knee you in the groin repeatedly to see how long you can maintain feeling in your nerves endings down there, eh?’) What about this? (‘Oh my gosh, just stop already, I feel it! I feel it! I feel it!’) Even this? (‘YES! GOD, YES! HOLY HELL, JUST STOP!’) Huh, that’s interesting…”

Thanks Endodontist, thanks. I can see persistence is probably one of the things you constantly get praised for at End of the Year Banquets. They say it as a good thing, but they don’t really mean it in a good way. It just that you constantly annoy them, and that’s the nicest way they can say it without embarrassing your semi-delusional sense of self.

And then when we finish he jauntily mentions “And try not to chew on anything for two hours…just in case! Have a great day!” (Do you think he really means ‘Have a great day!’ to people he’s just given a root canal to? Seriously?) This of course is really nice of him, because the appointment was at 8:50, and I normally don’t wake up before noon, so of course I’m dead tired and very hungry. But our house is devoid of non-chewy things. So I drive to Tropical Smoothie, and order a smoothie. I never realized how much I utilize both sides of my mouth when talking, because the left half of my face is still numb and droopy so “I’d like a Summery Sunset Spectacle” (or some equally stupid name) sounds like “I lie some reason sits peck-tickle.” Where the cashier politely, through a disdainful smile, replies “I’m sorry, which one?”

“I lie a sumry sun sits pectle.”

“Ahh, a Sum-mery Sun-set Spec-ta-cle!” Each syllable specifically pronounced to emphasize my incapability to pronounce them. “That will be $20 dollars for my time because of your speech impediment, and $5 for the smoothie.”

“Tank-oo.”

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